Gardener’s Armoury: A Roleplaying Guide

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When you want to spice things up in the garden, and weird out your neighbours into never talking to you again(that’s often a serious perk) you should consider role playing. Of course if you are as unhealthily obsessed with dressing up outside of Halloween you’ll need a rich requisite. Here’s some of my favourites. Oh. Before we start. I’m contractually obliged to tell you that our gardeners will never come dressed like this. So take comfort.

1. Edward Scissorhands
man in edward scissorhands costume

Let’s start with a classic from the movies. Nothing beats trimming your shrubberies and topiaries dressed like that goth kid everybody at school was hesitant to speak to for fear of contracting the Mopeys. Unfortunately this gimp suit with more belts than you can figure out a purpose for doesn’t much lend itself to anything but standing work. If you don’t believe me I urge you to try and duck in one of these.

2. Hippie Horticulturist
a hippie with a watering can

For when you start craving tofu and tinted circular shades. Bring the flower power to your garden! It may be tacky in appearance, but the hippie getup grants you 50 points to your Mellow skill, to the point where you’re so chill you barely want to work. You can’t rush Mother Nature, brother.

3. Dendroid Psycho

a man with an axe in a tree suit

For when you need to infiltrate their ranks. Disguise yourself with the corpses of their fallen, become a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and dispose of them from the inside. You are the boogeyman of trees, making them question each other, and sowing a healthy dose of paranoia that becomes justified a second too late when the glint of your axe slices the night air and bites into their bark.

4. The Goth Edgelord

a man in a robe with a scythe

Although similar to the Edward Scissorhands one, the Goth Edgelord had a different experience in high school. Instead of being shunned as infectiously depressed he was regarded as one of the cool mysterious kids. And thus he grew up, surrounded by yes-men who never questioned his choice of wardrobe, worldviews, or brand of mascara. Now he walks the streets, making everybody cringe, evading the fashion police, and cutting grass to be able to afford eyeliner and justify carrying a scythe around.

5. The Macho Savage

randy savage with a shovel

For when you need to showcase your overflowing masculinity. You don’t bother with gardening, you leave that to those less manly than you. What is manly though is grabbing the shovel and digging an undersea tunnel to China when you’re craving some pak choi. Forget about growin’ it! Be advised. Being too hot to handle, too cold to hold, and viable to dig tunnels with enough zest to collapse road networks can and will get your neighbours jealous enough of your masculinity to call the police.

6. Garden Gnome

garden gnome costume

The invisible little helper. You go out late at night to make sure your neighbours gardens are properly maintained and cared for. Was that garden gnome always there? Probably. Being able to stand immobile for hours on end has attuned you to nature’s calm and in turn granted you elusiveness. This costume doesn’t work if you are taller than 139 centimetres though.

7. Big Bad Vegan Wolf

wolf in a zoot suit

This is basically the opposite of the garden gnome. You put on your fanciest zoot suit and wolf attire underneath and raid peoples gardens for everything that can be made into a salad. I hear you asking “But Trevor, why a wolf in a zoot suit?” Precisely, my darlings. If you’re ever caught in the middle of pilfering, you’ll have at least a solid minute of head start while folks try to process what is currently happening.

8. Arboristus The Keen

spartan with a tree trimmer

Become the hero of legend, Slayer of Heart Rot, Pruner of the Gnarled. Wear a cape! While not as manly as the Macho Savage one, this is the perfect costume to show off your pecks. And what better way to accentuate them than brandishing your Legendary Pole Saw of Wisdom+5.

9. Kangaroo

man with shears in a kangaroo costume

You’re a spring, you’re a dynamo. You’re a kangaroo! Harness the unbridled energy of these oversized rabbits and have at it! You’re not here to garden. You’re here to graze and have fun! And you’re all out of grazing material. Bouts of deep regret and shame are viable to occur after prolonged periods of acting like this, so it’s a good idea to stock the costume’s front pouch with a bottle of moonshine.

10. Terraformer

 

astronaut with a bucket of gardening tools

A true prepared professional always brings a second set of gloves.

Deep space. Unknown planet. Nature is against you, the neighbours are already dialing the nice people with the long-sleeved shirts, the binary sun’s heat is already boiling you inside the suit. But you will persevere, you will create a paradise on this unknown planet for your fellow man. Humanity will survive! Even if it means dying from a heatstroke in your back yard because you put on an 80kg suit and tried to weed your flowerbeds.

 

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